Weighed Down

I've hired a personal trainer. Not exactly a "real" one -- actually, it's a software program online. You enter all your personal information, e.g. height, weight, resting heart rate, your activity level (check one: superhuman/active/sort of active/depends what you mean by "active"/can't bend over without being short of breath/never-could-bend-over-what-are-you-talking-about/sedentary). I also had to indicate what kinds of medications I'm taking and how many push ups I can do without stopping. For the latter, I had to actually drop to the floor and do some (if you must know, it was 20 -- not too shabby, I think). I figured I could go ahead and count those push ups as my exercise for the day. The online trainer then creates a diet and exercise program tailored to your goals and lifestyle. Each day you download your exercise plan and menus for the day. Anyway, at $39.99 for three months, I figured what the heck? If I actually lose some weight this time, then it's money well-spent; if not, then I'm not out all that much.

Because, believe me, I've spent a lot more in the past. I spent a small fortune on Weight Watchers -- three times! And yes, I lost weight, but it always came back -- and brought some friends with it. Having given W.W. three attempts, I've pretty much decided it's not the program for me. I'm not knocking it -- I know that millions of people have lost zillions of pounds on Weight Watchers and kept it off. Most of them went to work for W.W. as group leaders, as far as I can tell. But my W.W. experiences weren't so convincing.

The first time I joined W.W. it seemed like the answer to my lifelong battle with weight. And I have to confess: I have been overweight since childhood. About age 8, to be exact. The last time I was thin I was 7 years old; being fat has been my way of life almost as long as I can remember. So Weight Watchers seemed like the logical choice for a 26-year-old newlywed who had just received a bitter dose of reality looking at her wedding pictures. I signed up and went to my first meeting. The group leader was fantastic! She emphasized exercise and portion control, and I started to see some results. Although I wasn't thrilled about the public weigh-in, I nonetheless looked forward to meetings. Well, the leader was so good, she was promoted to an administrative position in the organization. Enter her replacement, a woman so dull and monotone, it was difficult to stay awake during her presentations. How in the world did someone so uninspiring get to be a group leader? Mercifully, my work schedule changed, forcing me to switch to another group meeting. And that was my downfall. My new group leader was primarily focused on food -- how to use low-fat cheese in the au gratin potatoes, how to measure 1 tbsp. of ranch dressing, how many calories in one slice of strawberry cheesecake as opposed to the whole thing. Exercise? Never mentioned it. Every "lecture" was about food, food, food. Small wonder that each weigh-in I was seeing the scale go up instead of down. I finally reached my breaking point. The topic that day was "Binge Eating." Now, I've never been a binge-eater (portion control was my biggest problem), but guess what I did? Yep -- I went home and polished off just about every snack food in the house within reach.

I attempted Weight Watchers two more times -- the "Personal" version, which was a knock-off of the Jenny Craig program, and the "At Home" version in which I paid roughly the same amount of money that I would for the group meetings, only I didn't have to go to meetings. It was worth it just to avoid the meetings. I was never comfortable sharing such personal information with a roomful of strangers. And I really resented the "testimonials": I lost 20 lbs! And I know it was ONLY 20 lbs., but it took me a LONG time to lose it, and I feel SO much better! I can fit into my skinny jeans again! (Squeals with delight)And if I can do it, YOU CAN, TOO! Oh, get real! Did you notice the rest of us rolling our eyes? Most of us have 50+ pounds to lose -- do you really think you have a clue what it's really like being fat? So you lost the baby weight, well congratulations! By the way, what size are your "skinny jeans?" Mine are about a size 14; somehow I don't think they qualify. It's all about perspective.

Okay, I did lose weight -- but each time I only made it to about 35 pounds down before I hit the dreaded "plateau." Ah yes, the word that strikes fear in every dieter -- plateau. It's a rather elegant French word meaning "an elevated and comparatively level expanse of land; tableland." But, in the dieter's lexicon, it means "You have hit bottom. You will lose no more weight. In fact, you will start gaining it all back plus another 10-20 lbs. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200." You've heard of the glass ceiling? Well, to those of us desperately trying to lose weight, it's a glass floor. We can see those "skinny" jeans down there, waiting for us to lose enough weight to squeeze ourselves into them. But we never quite make it, and the skinny jeans get snapped up by someone . . . skinny.

By the way, I want to declare right here and now that, as someone who has been overweight all her life, I've never owned a pair of skinny jeans! I don't even know what skinny jeans look like! And what, may I ask, is a "bikini body"? I've never worn a bikini, either. Never will. I find it personally insulting that the covers of so many women's magazines -- including the so-called "health and fitness" mags -- are graced each month by airbrushed photos of celebs in bikinis . . . even in January! Unless you live in Florida, Hawaii, or California, who the hell wears a bikini year-round? For that matter, who wants to? I used to have subscriptions to some of those mags, but I dropped them. Quite frankly, I don't care how Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, and a parade of other celebs keep their butts, abs, and arms in such great shape. They spend several hours a day working out, and they have personal chefs to make lots of delicious meals they can upchuck later. And they get paid to do it -- it's their job to look good. And, if they don't look absolutely perfect, there's always photoshop.

But I digress. The real issue here is my body and the fact that I've been trying to get down to at least a reasonable weight for most of my adult life. Admittedly, my motivation used to be looks -- I've always been, well, ashamed of what I look like. But now I have the health issues to deal with that overweight people inevitably have to face: I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. And I'm on medications to keep them in check, but, as my doctor is fond of pointing out to me, I need to lose the weight, too.

Believe me, I know. I. Am. Well. Aware. Of. The. Risks. Of. Obesity. I have a long family history of heart disease and diabetes. Both of my parents are on heart meds; my mom --like me -- is on blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I'm almost the same age my dad was when he had his heart attack (49, if you must know). I think about it every day. I arrived at the ER one night where my mom, complaining of chest pains, had been taken . . . only to find my dad in the bed next to her, hooked up to heart monitors (which resulted, I recall, in my dad having a pacemaker installed). I know. The only advantage I have right now over my dad is that I'm more active than he was at age 49, and I've never smoked. But otherwise my risk factors are way up there. So don't lecture me about how I need to exercise more, eat more fruits and veggies, cut down on fat and salt, cut out the soda, and on andonandonandon . . . . Believe me . . . I KNOW!

But knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things. Obviously I don't have a good track record, or I wouldn't even be writing this! I've tried several different diets over the years and generally lost the same amount of weight, i.e. 30-35 lbs. The problem is, each time I put those same 30-35 lbs. back on plus a few more. I realize that I have to change a lot of habits, but change is hard. To undo a lifetime of patterns is a monumental task. People who have never dealt with weight issues tend to think it's just a matter of putting the fork down and lacing up the tennis shoes. It is, but it's so much more than that. It requires a personality shift --- a "sea change," to use that already overused term. And, above all, it requires a little cooperation from family and friends. Not in the "food police" sense. I don't need people monitoring every bite ("Should you be eating that?"), but I also don't need people pushing food at me ("You should really try the butter crumb cake I made -- it's a new recipe!"). I also don't need a gym coach logging my exercise (that's why I hired a personal trainer). It's quite possible that the reason I didn't hit the treadmill today is that I pulled a calf muscle a little yesterday and I'm prudently giving it a rest so as not to cause further injury. And, you know, maybe you guys should lay off the Oreos, too, and have some fruit instead. It would be very helpful if we didn't have any junk food in the house.

So here I am, embarking on yet another weight-loss plan. I keep trying because I have to. It comes down to this: I'm not comfortable in my own skin. And I'm really scared of developing diabetes or having a heart attack. I need to do something. That's why I hired an online personal trainer. Hope springs eternal.